Gilmore Girls Post #3

I love Sookie, I love Lorelai, I love Rory, I love Dean, I love Luke, I love Michel, I love that Rory's teacher guy that Lorelai's seeing and heck I even love Jackson the vegetables and fruits supplier. I love every single person on the show. They're all just so cute. I love this show too damn much. What's wrong with me? Omg. 

Yvonne..

Gilmore Girls Post #2

Scratch that. Forget what I said about Gilmore Girls. I mean, the part of it being "quite nice" and "pleasant" and whatever. Wait, I don't think I said those anyway,

GILMORE GIRLS IS AWESOME. 

Just saying. Teehee!

Yvonne..

Gilmore Girls

It's an old show, I watched it once in a blue moon on TV when I was like, I don't know, 11 or something like that but I never forget the show. It's among Charmed, Friends and the likes. Yes, you can assume that I started watching American TV shows at a fairly young age. And mind you, I used to follow Charmed EVERY WEEK (can you imagine the pain? and you know what I can't believe I'm still doing that for Desperate Housewives Season 8 now) when I was a kid, like 10 years old or something. 

Anyway, back to Gilmore Girls. I didn't really follow the show because although I kinda like it, that time it was a bit too boring for me (you know, teenage girls loving magic stuff and all that, urgh). But now, I LOVE the show. It has some nice everyday-life elements to it and it's funny and warm and not to mention Alexis Bledel's one of my favourite actresses. On a side note, blue eyes are so......hypnotizing. Sometimes during the show there's scenes where Lorelai and Rory would stare into the camera and I would go "okay! too blue! too blue!" lol. 

So yea, since now with Ugly Betty gone (some months ago), Heroes gone (cancelled according to Wikipedia), soon my favouritest Desperate Housewives (LAST SEASON T_T), I'm catching up with Gilmore Girls! Yay! I actually picked this from One Tree Hill (too dramatic as in relationships-messy), Friends (too long), Big Bang Theory (not really nice imo, or maybe cuz it's a sitcom), Charmed (way past magicky thingy, unless I'm totally bored), etc etc. Oh, there's something about sitcoms, I just don't like it, I don't really know why, maybe it's because I find it a bit annoying that the whole point about sitcoms are the jokes but not the story, and I kinda find that meaningless. I mean, it's nice to laugh but I feel totally fake watching shows just to laugh. It's unhealthy in a way. I dunno. 

Ok, enough bout Gilmore Girls. Back to my very boring life. Again, finals in a month. And I still have 3 major stuff to do so why am I still blogging here is a mystery to me. Oh oh oh!! One thing why I like GG is that Season 1 Rory's situation is sooooo much like me! Ie. She wanted to explore the world, go to a lot of countries and write about it. I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. In fact sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I want to go to a sea and shout over and over again "I WANT TO DISCOVER THE WORLD!!!!!!! I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!! I WANT TO SEE DIFFERENT THINGS AND ABSORB DIFFERENT CULTURES AND DO DIFFERENT ACTIVITIES AND MEET DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!!" *exhales* It's driving me nuts, I know. I really can't wait for my time to see the world. I couldn't anymore. Some girls at my age has the same level of yearning, but to get married. But oh hell no not me, I will NOT settle down until I've seen something out there. 

Which is why I have to graduate asap and find some way to realise my dreams. Sigh. I really must stop singing the same old song over and over again. 

Hmm, there's one more thing I wanna blog about but forgot. I never believe what they say about your memory is unlimited or whatever it is. Because my short-term memory's so limited that if I don't write down like IMMEDIATELY it'll be gone faster than bubbles break. Sometimes I wish there's this automatic record thingy in my brain that records every thought of mine. Ok that sounds creepy. But how else you could do it when you're brushing your teeth or in the toilet or whatever? That's when your mouth can't talk or your hands are fully occupied!

Anyway, if I remember I'll update this. Which is highly unlikely. So kthxbye. 

Yvonne..

Waiting

I don't mind waiting for a day,

I don't mind waiting for a few days, 

I don't mind waiting for weeks, 

I don't mind waiting for few months, 

As long as our eyes meet and you smile and say "Hi" to me, 

it's worth it. 

It doesn't matter that that's all you do, 

it doesn't matter that my heart opens up like a flower or whatever, 

it doesn't matter that I'm risking heart failure from palpitations, 

As long as our eyes meet and stay there for even a brief 2-seconds, 

it's so worth it. 

Urgh. I hate myself for being so sticky in this crush. But I can't help myself :) 

I'll just have to hope this crush will recede like any other ones and nothing will happen and I'll be my normal self again. Yup, that's the plan. Always. 

Yvonne..

Premonition?

I talked about him twice, both in real life and as you can see on the previous post, perhaps right before he breathed his last few breaths. 

May you rest in peace Steve Jobs, for you will always be one of my most admired people in the world. 

Tired. Gonna rest soon. 

Yvonne..

Few Things Off My Mind

Hans Zimmer makes the BEST movie music EVER. 

Next, I just watched It's Complicated and it's nice, albeit uber-gross, and I have no idea how could Jane built up that kind of life it's just so incredible and I would die without regrets (as of now) to be able to achieve half the things she did (not the whole messy relationship thing, I meant the career, the kids, the house, the shop, the ability to whip up delicious pastries just like *finger-snap*, the happy mentality, etc etc.)

I just realised that Twitter and Blogger are mutually-exclusive when it comes to my venting spurts. It's either I'm active on Twitter, OR Blogger. Never AND. 

And one last random thing, I admire Steve Jobs but I still hate dislike Apple. :)

Tim Cook may be skinny but still, he's not Steve. 

Why did I feel kinda weird and wrong saying that? 

Anyway moving on, I'm done. :)

Yvonne..

Estranged

From myself. I don't know me anymore. 

Despite the fact that I know completely why did that happen, I do nothing to stop it. 

It feels like a ticking bomb, the only thing is you'll be wondering when will it go off. 

And I'm curious as to how far can I go knowing it will tick off any moment yet doing nothing about it. 

How, did I come to this point again? 

Let me ask you something, do you eat to live? Or you live to eat? 

If you're a foodie, I bet you'd go "Of course I live to eat!!" then you'll laugh jokingly and everyone will smile or laugh along to be polite. 

Then somewhere in your sub-conscious you'd be thinking, "well of course the responsible answer would be 'eat to live'..."

Think again. 

If everything you do is just for the sake of living, then what's the point of living? 

Passion or obsession is a thing everyone must have in life. Otherwise, I really don't see the point. 

Having said that, maybe I should shoot myself right now? I read that people sometimes stop midtrack in their life and think "what the hell am I doing now?" and sometimes I wonder about that too but I always have answers prepared for that. 

Sometimes I wish I don't instead. 

Yvonne..

In need of a break.

No, not the 15 minutes kind. I need a big break. Something like a 3 months to a year. I know to some of you it sounds funny, but I long to go on a self-searching trip. I yearn for it. I want to find back my old self. But at the same time I want to retain some parts of my current self...sigh, it's hard to be me. 

If there's only one thing I can say about my tertiary education, I would say this, "It burned me out and I have no positive scholar-related memories in there." Yeah, that's coming from a person who always score flying colours in every exams or tests in her primary and secondary education. Now, the same song couldn't be sung. Call me weak but after all this, I will NEVER come back to the same field to further my studies. People say your college or uni years are supposed to be fun, but for me it's plain torture and almost meaningless, if it weren't for meeting people and making good friends and exploring things with them. 

I think maybe I should talk to someone about this. These days the line "If I keep doing this I'll die very soon" keep popping into my head, consciously or unconsciously. It's saying something. Either I'm very exhausted or I really am going to die very soon. 

Yvonne..

JLPT N5: 180/180

I can't say "I couldn't believe it", mostly because the test was kinda too-easy for me, although, I could see myself making a few careless mistakes, and besides, I checked my answers after the test and so far most of my answers were correct so...I guess I could believe it after all :)

Still, I'm so... happy. 

I always scored a few marks below 100 during my internal tests, probably because of the writing element which was absent in the JLPT (don't think I'll score full marks if that's the case). But I'm really quite satisfied this time. 

Hmm, I wonder how many people scored full marks for this exam? Hopefully not much... ...? Heh. 

And I kinda hope they'll give out some sort of award. A scholarship to study in Japan (Ha I wish!)..or something like...an all-expense paid trip to Japan? That would be so awesomely nice wouldn't it? 

But N5's so easy that I'd be lucky if I even get a furoshiki out of scoring full marks for it =.=

I posted on my social network saying,

'My Japanese Language Proficiency Test N5 came back with marks 180 out of 180. Needless to say, I'm elated because I thought I would have at least one or two answers wrong. On the other hand, it makes me a tiny weeny bit sad, although irrational, because I was thinking, "sigh, if only my studies can score this high..."

Life can be so difficult when your future occupation do not match your passion.'

Well...it's true. But, for now, I'll gloat all I want first :D

I'm so sad that I have to stop studying Japanese to focus on my studies for the last semester at college. But I swear I'll resume Japanese classes as soon as I graduate, nothing can stop me...Oh, my dear Japanese.

Yvonne..

Favourite Quotes

Just realised I haven't make a post of my most favourite quotes here. I believe that a person's favourite quotes somewhat reflect part of, if not all, of that person's inner thoughts. It either shapes or be shaped by the person's views and perspectives, so in a sense it's bidirectional. You don't like a quote which says "Chocolates are the only food from heaven" (for eg.) if you can't bring yourself to even taste the revolting brown goo (I can't believe I just said that about chocolates, what is wrong with me?). Anyway, here goes: 

You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; 

You can swear and curse the fates;

But when it comes to the end, you have to let go. 

~ Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

~ Mark Twain. 

My shield depends upon God, who saves the upright in heart. 

~ Psalm 7:10.


"Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim.”
[“Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.”]

~ Joyce Conway, Thanks for the Memories. 

An idea is like a virus, resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you. 

~ Cobb, Inception.

Time is too slow for those who wait, 

time is too swift for those who fear, 

time is too long for those who grieve, 

but for those who love, those who are loved, 

time is eternity. 

~ Henry van Dyke. 

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want; He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.

~ Psalm 23. 

"ああ... 俺は... 世界を殺し... 世界を創る..."

["Ahh... I... kill the world... create the world..."]

~ ルルーシュ・ランペルージ, コードギアス .

[~ Lelouch Lamperouge, Code Geass.]

All you can do is enjoy this beautiful day, because we get so few of it.

~ Mary Alice Young, Desperate Housewives. 

Life is much too important to be taken seriously.

~ Oscar Wilde. 

"If you love something let it go, 

If it comes back to you it's yours, 

If it doesn't, it never was."

"Imperfections are what makes the world perfect."

The flow of time cleanses the past and heals the wounds in people's hearts.

~ Komatsu Nana, NANA. 

So, have we solved the secret of happiness?

"I believe so," he said. 

Are you going to tell me? 

"Yes. Ready?" 

Ready. 

"Be satisfied." 

That's it? 

"Be grateful." 

That's it? 

"For what you have. For the love you receive. And for what God has given you." 

That's it? 

He looked me in the eye. Then he sighed deeply. 

"That's it." 

~ Mitch Albom, Have a Little Faith. 

Girls flirt with the dangerous guy, Logan. They don't take him home. They marry the good guy. 

~ Jean Grey, X2. 

Never place your happiness in other's hand no matter how much you love them, and be happy just by being you.

~ A friend, I believe. 

To be updated, when there's more. 

Yvonne..

Updated on September 13, 2011. 

Near-faint Experience

That's as close to being actually fainted to the floor as I can get. 

That's right, I've never fainted before. But being a budding full-blown mysophobia (aka germophobia) I think I'll prefer that I never had to faint in my entire life thank you. 

It happened yesterday's noon, after my shower which I've stopped my research paper mania to take, while I was in the washroom beside my bedroom. I was vomiting. But nothing physical except gastric acid, which was greenish yellow in colour, the liquid which burned through my throat and nose canal, now that's acid for you. 

After so long since I've blogged, you never expect me to post a new one on vomiting, eh? *silent snickers*

Anyway, it happened so suddenly, so unexpected, because prior to the shower, I felt just fine. No sign of any discomfort except for the occasional coughs and super runny nose. 

Then it all changed in minutes. Funny how life can change in such a short period of time. You'd think that you have been doing something or being somewhere or seeing something or being with someone FOREVER, and then snap! Your whole life changed in just that one second or whatever. 

Oh, Time. You cruel surprise-lover. 

Back to the topic, I couldn't really identify the actual cause of my unexpected blip. Because I was really dishevelled trying to complete my paper on time (and I'm still doing that), skipping meals, skipping showers, skipping brushing my teeth, skipping sleeps, skipping a lot of things. 

Maybe it's the skipping meal thing. But I have skipped meals or took meals at the most unregular hours before (how does a dinner at 4a.m. sounds to you?) so why this time??? My body trying to tell me that I'm getting old? (I'm not quite that old yet, mind you.)

Anyway, moral of the lesson: 

Don't torture yourself 

skipping your needs 

trying to complete something 

that you can always try again. 

And I mean it. Because you will never know what are you sacrificing in order to finish something that you can always try again. Your health. Your unborn baby. Your close family member. Your cherished thing that seemed to be around forever until you realise that it is not so permanent after all. 

Always, always, take care of yourself. As the chinese saying goes, it equates to filial piety to your parents. 

Provided that you have parents who cares about you. Forget about cold-blooded beasts who don't give a sh*t about their offsprings. 

So that's that. Until next time, 

Yvonne..

Future

Before everything, I just wanna say that I'm surprised that this is my second post in this blog since 2011. 

What do you have in mind for your future? 

I must admit, when I was young I was a fella who seldom think about the far-future. I just focus on my short-term future, and achieve goals and targets as I move along. In turn, I became someone who was very driven-minded, always doing things that can only be beneficial to my short-term future, without a care for anything else in the world. I was also someone who was very unforgiving when it comes to my faults, someone who cannot take losing very well, I can't be the loser, I must win. 

At some point in my life this perception began to lose its importance in my life. I became much more relaxed, less obsessed about winning and losing, and take things as it is as it goes along, my focuses were completely blurred, and I lost even the short-term future and goals. I'm not saying it's bad, in fact I think it's kinda good, because I realized how much stress I'm used to under, it's quite scary. But at the same time, it alarms me as I think I might be going from one extreme to another extreme ie. from super-hardworking to super-lazy. Lol. 

But lately a far-future idea begins to form in my head. It seems like a very far-fetched dream. But I am already taking actions to achieve it. It seems like a very hard dream. But I am willing to give up certain things in my life for it. It seems like I am abandoning some of my responsibilities if I can have this dream. But I am ready to believe that certain rules have to be disobeyed and rebelled against if I can ever, ever, live for myself. In fact if I'm given the indication and opportunity now, I'm can take off anytime. But I know, the more patient I am, the longer I'm willing to wait, the fruit will be sweeter. 

What does future mean to you? 

Lately I had some chats with friends and acquaintances. I'm very astonished to learn that a friend of mine has already thought of as far as what-to-dos after his retirement. I haven't even thought of anything after 10 years. Which lead to a very important question to me: Should I even begin to start thinking about it? Because as far as I'm willing to bet, it's useless thinking about it now as you will never be able to predict the future. Sure, it'd be nice to have dreams but too-optimistic dreams will only destroy a person in the future. But of course it depends on every individual. 

For all we know planet Earth might even explode in 2012 (chuckles). 

Since we're at the topic, I might as well express my views. 2012. Hands up for those who deeply believe in it? Well, I don't. I don't believe in that crap at all. But, I won't go so far as to eliminate completely its possibility. And anyway, even if it's coming I don't really mind, we all will die eventually. So? So nothing. That's that. 

Where was I? Ah. One more thing, I think I'm better off not thinking too far into the future. Because I will be frustrated and demotivated even before it arrives. Yes I am that impatient. If I have to wait for something I'd rather not knowing it now, because it will possess my mind so much that all I could do is THINK about it all day. Now I hate this part of personality of mine. It's just irrational. Yet I can't do anything about it. I blame it on my genes. 

Sometimes I wish my life is a movie. Like literally. That way, I can somehow take a sneak peek into my future. Then I will have some idea as to what I should start doing now. Or if I should stop some things I'm doing now. Dang. I'm being impatient again. 

Dear God, let me take a sneak peek into my future, say, 15 years from now, in my dream tonight :) :)

Yvonne..

Float and Gone

My thoughts. It's so hard to grasp them and hold them still, they're like slippery fishes, escaping my mind the moment I have them in my mind. It's frustrating. Especially when I'm trying to catch it all back together and put them into words in this rare post on my blog. 

Maybe I should like, buy a dictaphone or something. But I have a feeling that won't work too because I can be quite certain that I won't bring my dictaphone everywhere, same as I don't hold on to my mobile every single second. I'm very unattached to modern technology that way. And no, I'm not that old. 

Anyway, might I mention the little fact that I turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. 

About that, near to end of last year I've been thinking what to do about it and I was having all sorts of ideas in my mind, a grand birthday party, with all my family and friends invited, book a restaurant or whatever, will be the norm. But as I got closer to my birthday I realized that, I just don't really know how to deal with it. As a "nomad" or "socialized loner", I have friends in all places who don't know each other. How can I have a huge birthday party where everyone feels kinda awkward and don't really talk to each other? That's so not my style. I'd rather spend quality time with each and everyone of them, instead of running all over the place while not giving everyone the attention they deserved in coming over to celebrate my birthday. In the end, my family celebrated it, in the way they wanted, for me. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that they took the effort to do so, but if they really insisted in getting me what I really really wanted, I think I will be much happier. As for my friends, some of them wished, some took me out for meals, some gave me presents, and I'm truly, truly happy of their thoughts for me, at some point I'm touched by the gesture, thank you :)

By that, my 21st birthday came and went, gone like the wind. 

I met a girl the other day while shopping and we got into talking fpr a while, standing right there, in that store, while me still holding the product I'm contemplating whether to buy or not. The girl is 18 years old, she's working part time at the store, and she asked me how old I am in the midst of chat, and I answered "21", she exclaimed, "that's my ideal age!". I honestly told her it's really nothing to write home about, for me at least, because 21 would mean more responsibility, more maturity, more confusing thoughts, more wavering confidence, more complicated relationships, more lost directions, more ironic reality, growing up is not really all that fun, true, there may be freedom, and so-called "legal age to do anything", but when it comes right down to it, for me, 21 is definitely not the legal age to do anything. Family will be the first thing that you have to consider when you're taking a huge step and what's the point of being independent and "freedom" when decisions are bounded in such a small circle? 

If I could spit at something that I could blame, I would. 21, freedom, spit. 

Ever know what is the most frustrating and angered feeling in the world? 

It's the fact that you're powerless to do anything when you desperately needed change, that you want, in your life. 

Anyway. Lately I've been reading countless news of suicide attempts, mostly resulted in death. 

Why do people do not treasure their lives? Why do they like to view their problems as such a big one, while they're just going through a phase, a phase that they will one day get out of, for a brighter tomorrow? Do they not know that as long as you still have a breath in you, anything is possible, anything is CHANGEable? So what if your girlfriend leaves you? So what if your family do not have money? So what if you're feeling so stressed in life? SO??? Yeah right! Big deal! That's why you have to throw yourself off the building? PLEASE. You naive people. Don't piss me off by wasting life God granted to you by such petty reasons, you think you're so high and mighty, that Earth stops its track in its orbit just BECAUSE you have someone left in your life? OH PLEASE! Don't make me laugh! Life goes on! You're the one who lost! Not anyone but yes you yourself! Have some fighting spirit! And please, even if you're so arrogant that you think you can kill yourself so easily, DO NOT, drag anyone else with you to your deaths, especially your kids. It just disgusts me, as if we don't know you're so coward that you had to drag someone just for the sake that you're not alone. You just earned yourself a big ticket to hell. 

Do you really think life is EASY? Whoever said life ever is easy??? No one, and I really mean no one, never have obstacles in life. It is going through the obstacles that enriches our experience, adding on to our knowledge, and most importantly, fulfilling the meaning of unique, individual life that no one else but only you have. And bear in mind, the more difficult the obstacle you go through, the wiser you will become. And that's what life is about. That's what being human is about. Taking the short route out is just downright cowardly, it's beyond the limits of stupidity. Have some faith, have some hope. And one day, you will be the winner, the one who's hanging on while functions of your body fails to cope anymore, now, they are who I respect. The elders. Those you see with head of white hair and wobble their way with a cane, DECADES of life behind them, THOUSANDS of lives they've influenced, and now, they're ready to move on to the next realm when the physical body could not sustain anymore. That's why whenever I see the elderly I give my full respect to them. 

I wish I could convey these words to those who was, is, or will commit suicide. But sadly, those whom I really wanted to say these to are gone, taken their own lives. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if most of them are not sound minded when they committed suicide, but at least, I wish that somehow, words will get through to them, or at least they should remember, love and memories that they have stored somewhere in their mind. It is the fuel that we need to go on with life. 

I would write more but I'm terribly sleepy, sometimes I think I'm having some disorder, I can't stop sleeping sometimes. I wonder if one day I will be Asai Eri in After Dark by Haruki Murakami. It sounds like something I just might do one day. 

It's near to 4 now. Signing off, 

Yvonne..

Merry Christmas

It's been a month or more. How are you my dear blog? 

I bet these days when people start blogging they'd do a very common start, something like "Haven't blog for so long/I know I've been abandoning my blog/Sorry that I didn't post in a long time/etc.". Because blogging, I guess for most people in my environment now, is sort of watering down. Maybe it's because of Twitter, maybe it's because people are getting more busy, maybe it's because of Facebook, or maybe, people just got tired of it. 

But dear blog, I want you to know that, there are times, all too many a times, that when I want to blog so badly and the circumstances just don't allow me to do it. Time, mostly. 

Sometimes I want to blog right smack when I'm in the middle of a class, sometimes I want to blog when I'm lying in the bed, sometimes I want to blog when I'm driving, most times, I want to blog when I'm not readily accessible to a connected computer. And then afterwards, the inspiration and the mood's just gone. Like that. 

I want you to know that you're not forgotten. 

Seeing that it's Christmas --- 

What do you wish for the most, at this moment, the first thing that comes to your mind?

To become successful? To become rich? To become pretty? To find that special someone? To be proposed? To become famous? To have all the popularity in the world? A bag? A car? A sparkle of hope? A watch? A stuffed toy? 

I wish, to be living in a small cottage, tucked away in some unknown countryside, with some plots of lands for growing crops, a quaint, quiet, just me alone, or perhaps with a Golden Retriever (that dog never fails to be a part of my dream does it?), walls of books, my favourite books, cozy armchair, warm fire, meatloaf, brown walls, knowing only my neighbours and my family and perhaps a few friends, and that's it. That's it then I'll be satisfied. 

It sounds like someone else's retirement dream. It sounds very unambitious. But yes. I hate complicated life. I demand simplicity. There are lots of times I wish that I do not know a lot of things, like things happened between people, especially. I'd rather not know. It sounds very evasive, naive, childish, unrealistic, like some ostrich. But heck, I'm living for myself, if I do not want to know things I don't need to know, since it doesn't matter to me anyway except to disturb my clarity of mind, then I do not have to know. It sounds irresponsible, irrational, completely stupid. But when it comes to the end, don't you still have to let go? 

If you've became successful, rich, pretty, found that special someone,  be proposed, became famous, had all the popularity in the world, don't you, in the end, when Grim Reaper makes its way to you, still, have to let go?

We come to this world with nothing, so shall we leave this world with nothing. The more we have, the more painful it is to leave what we have isn't it? The feeling of achieving, gaining those may be overwhelmingly delightful but I believe, losing them would bring pains of equal magnitude. 

Merry Christmas, may all joys and happiness find those who need it in this world. 

Yvonne..

時の向こう 風の街へ ねえ、連れて行って

Deep rich vocal. A very beautiful song. 

風の街へ (Kaze no Machi he)

by FictionJunction KEIKO

時の向こう　風の街へ ねえ、連れて行って

Take me away across time to the town of wind

白い花の夢かなえて

Grant my dream of the white flowers

甘い指でこの手をとり ねえ、遠い道を

Take me by this hand with your gentle fingers, to a far-away place

導いて欲しいの 貴方の側へ

I want you to guide me, to be by your side

その歌声絶えない昼下がり

On this afternoon, though their voices is neverending

目覚めて二人は一つになり

Two lovers awake to become one

幸せの意味を初めて知るのでしょう

For the first time, they learn the meaning of happiness

連れて行って…

Take me away...

その歌声切なく高らかに

With a painful, echoing voice,

全ての心に響くのでしょう

They sing out with all of their hearts

幸せの意味を知らずに眠る夜に...

Without knowing the meaning of happiness, sleeping in the darkness...

まだ知らない夢の向こう ねえ、遠い道を

Take me to a dream I've never seen before, far away

二人で行けるわ… 風の街へ 

We'll go together... to the town of wind.

***

Lyric so simple yet it's tasteful. First heard it in Tsubasa Chronicle Season 1. It's an insert song. 

Yvonne..

Judgement Day

There is a belief which goes around saying when people die, they will face the Judgement Day, where God will evaluate your life and thus judge upon where will you go afterwards. 

But really, what should be the criterion for Judgement Day when someone dies? 

Should it be achievements? Or the number of lives saved? Or influences? Or the way him or her fulfilled life? If so, what is the definition of "fulfilling"? 

Each of us are born equal, however, brought-ups are quite important in influencing how will a person act later in life. It is possible to change that magnitude of influence and if you did, you could be one of the few people in this world who managed to do so. So naturally I guess, when you have good brought-ups you tend to be living life on the positive side, and vice versa. 

Being an introvert I'm not only people-repelling but I'm also quite eccentric. Not to mention lately I'm beginning to do things at my own pace and I'm beginning to wonder what on earth has got to me and although consciously I'm telling myself something has got to change before I hit something really hard but somehow I just keep going at it. But there's one thing I won't stop doing, that is to question, to think, criticize, and to decide my standing on the matter. 

Back to the topic. When Judgement Day comes to me, I have no idea what of me will be judged. My achievements are nil, number of lives saved nil, influences I have no idea, but probably not that great since I'm a pretty on-the-fence kinda person, and fulfilled life? Not much either since like I said, I do things my own way, at my own pace, in my own accordance, whenever I can help it. It's kinda sad and I wonder will God be really having a hard time trying to place me, or hey, will I be wandering on this earth like how Meg in Eoin Colfer's "The Wish List", until I do something which can decide where shall I go? 

Not that I'm regretting that my life isn't much of a sparkling and glittery one. I'm just being myself, living a life which I'm contented to be living. Is that wrong? 

Yvonne..

Oh...shit

Sorry for the cursing, especially when I haven't been updating my blog for a considerably long period of time. 

Anyway, I think I just might have seriously fall for someone. 

If not I really cannot explain how, after so long since I've felt something like this, my heart actually got pierced by this weird flying feeling, when I saw this fella. You know, the kind of feeling you do when you're in a free-fall, like, in a really scary roller coaster or something? Yeah, that kind. 

And no, I wasn't playing roller coaster that time, I was just simply walking. 

And besides, I THOUGHT he already LEFT!!! WTF is he doing there when I thought my chances of encountering him is already NIL for the day? 

No, God just loves playing pranks with me. Keep on letting me bumping into him when I LEAST expect it, and have all kinds of coincidence I could never think of, such as getting a pair of matching cards in a stupid fate game, or wearing the same kind of stupid white shirt like today (you know, the kind of shirt where it says "I Love xxxxxx"), or liking the same stupid movies, or the way we smile slightly to each other and says "hi" STUPIDLY and not knowing what to do afterwards except to be dragged by our other friends, never letting ourselves to properly chat together. 

There, I've said it. 

Dear God, please let me know what is it that You intend to let this be? 

Why did You let us meet, but no chance to talk to each other?

Why did You let us be in a room, but no chance of being together?

Why did You let us know each other, but no chance of knowing deeper? 

Anyway, those are just my very spontaneous thoughts of the moment. I'd probably find that fella very boring the next day. 

Maybe. 

I mean, people change, right?? 

So I'll just sit and wait and let this blows over and I'll forget about this one like all the rest and have my peaceful days again. 

And besides, love is so overrated. Pfft. 

Yvonne..

P.S. I wonder if I'll be in the same class as him again next sem?

Dear Kissaten,

I have a lot of things to do, so many that my eyes are flying here and there over the computer screen but I want to blog right now, to let you know what I've been doing these days, my recent developments (as if I'm some sort of drama or soaps), and what I'm thinking right NOW. 

First of all, if you guys have been following my tweets, I passed my finals last semester, with some very dangerous near-miss marks, and I'm not revealing the actual marks, but to me, it is pretty darn close that I'm quite spooked out. My fingers were trembling before I checked the results, yes trembling, and I actually closed my eyes until my heart is ready to accept whatever results that is presented before me. After analyzing my results I actually closed my eyes again and thanked God that he showed his mercy on me. 

Few days later, I attended a social gathering event organized by college, at which I encountered a pleasant surprise, which as a result I posted the previous post, it is actually a game that we have to play in that event, where the guy will be holding a riddle, and the girl holding the answer. The riddle and answer are repetitive among the crowd so really it's not all that special, but still I'm really amazed that things can be so freaky when you least expect it. Anyway, it's exciting at that moment at that timing but now it's all over and I'm much more rational now. 

Some time later, again my lovely college had another lovely test for us, and I totally sensed that I'm going to flunk that too anyway so let's not dwell much on that. 

On a side note, I've completed my Japanese Beginner 1 Level with Grade A certificate!!! I'm super proud and if you ever mention anything about it in my face I will wave the certificate in front of you in a very egoistic way and not even embarrassed by it because it is a language which I LOVE with all my heart and therefore, it is only natural that I'm so proud of it heehee. It is CONFIRMED that I'll proceed to the next level, see you my Japanese classmates next week!

Now I'm having a one week plus break which I feel is really short but it's actually really long in terms of our syllabus time because, usually our break's just a day or two, NEVER a week plus. It felt really short to me because of the tonnes of homework our lecturers assigned, and I too have some personal duties to attend to, not to mention some individual non-college related projects, AND on top of that I need to squeeze in some social activities because right now I'm like some kind of robot craving for human contact (I just finished re-reading Tuesdays with Morrie so please excuse my unusual craving which is totally different from the anti-social behaviour I usually have, because I'm now affected by Morrie's warmth and closeness to people and all that stuff). 

If you've read until here, congratulations, you're really a very patient person and therefore now I shall reward you with some discovery of mine. Have you ever fallen out of love before? Not puppy love, not one-sided love, not all those other love, but really, really fallen out of love? I think for the first time in my life, or maybe the second time, I'm not sure, since it's hard to define this kind of thing, I've fallen out of love, with a certain someone whom I still care for and wonder about, but I just felt detached. It's rather hard to put the feeling into exact words but I think I'm quite certain what it is. I know it the moment I no longer felt that heart-burning jealousy whenever I see something sensitive, or no longer felt that heart-wrenching pain whenever I feel down. In other words I felt liberation, a break-free from tight grasp, a sense of individuality coming back to me, where my emotions and feelings no longer depend on a certain someone, where my happiness and sadness is now up for me to decide. 

I'm glad to say that I'm single again. Not the status-kind of single, but the psychological-kind of single. Yes, I've done it. Someone please give me a graduation certificate. 

So now here I am, back to square one, enjoying my single life, and not willing to be put through the pressure and stress of being in a relationship again in near future. Uh, uh, no way. Not even that cute guy which I find rather interesting to observe. Now what I'm gonna do is to have fun. Mwahahaahaaaa *evil laugh pierces through the night*. 

That's it for now, signing off, 

Yvonne..

Silence

What is so fragile that even saying its name can break it?

Yvonne..

It happened in such an unexpected way. 

Irony in Play

From my perspective, life is always filled with irony. 

Maybe it's my cynical way of looking at community in general, always scrutinizing, examining and criticizing, it's always hard to believe that something is truly benevolent. 

Speaking of benevolent, the closest thing I could identify to be such is a Mother's love for her child. Even so, the other day I've just heard some news where a mother killed a number of her own infants right after she gave birth to them. In her own house. Due to her stout build, the terrifying thing is that no one notices anything at all. The reason she gave for her actions were that the babies are not wanted by she and her husband. 

I don't know which is more ridiculous, the fact that she never considered using birth controls, or the fact that she actually killed her own babies with a sound mind. Perhaps the latter. 

It's funny if one were to take a step back and view humans in general. I'd be happy to be an alien, separated from unnecessary emotions and hormones and study the most powerful population of the animal kingdom on earth. It'd be like watching dramas, comedy, action, romance altogether, like a movie. But I bet my primary focus is to view it as a comedy. So many things that humans do that makes sense but at the same time do not. Even the most respected beings, their reputation is questionable to me, as I could not be convinced simply by a person doing the right thing, at the right time, at the most appropriate timing. 

Although, rooms must be make for us as we are slave to emotions and feelings. Irony or not, sometimes the decision-maker himself do not realize that he is contradicting his own principles. The point is that it feels right. And thus, irony is created. 

Sometimes I really wonder if we're the Barbie dolls of higher-beings. 

Yvonne..