Gilmore Girls Post #3

I love Sookie, I love Lorelai, I love Rory, I love Dean, I love Luke, I love Michel, I love that Rory's teacher guy that Lorelai's seeing and heck I even love Jackson the vegetables and fruits supplier. I love every single person on the show. They're all just so cute. I love this show too damn much. What's wrong with me? Omg. 

Yvonne..

Gilmore Girls Post #2

Scratch that. Forget what I said about Gilmore Girls. I mean, the part of it being "quite nice" and "pleasant" and whatever. Wait, I don't think I said those anyway,

GILMORE GIRLS IS AWESOME. 

Just saying. Teehee!

Yvonne..

Gilmore Girls

It's an old show, I watched it once in a blue moon on TV when I was like, I don't know, 11 or something like that but I never forget the show. It's among Charmed, Friends and the likes. Yes, you can assume that I started watching American TV shows at a fairly young age. And mind you, I used to follow Charmed EVERY WEEK (can you imagine the pain? and you know what I can't believe I'm still doing that for Desperate Housewives Season 8 now) when I was a kid, like 10 years old or something. 

Anyway, back to Gilmore Girls. I didn't really follow the show because although I kinda like it, that time it was a bit too boring for me (you know, teenage girls loving magic stuff and all that, urgh). But now, I LOVE the show. It has some nice everyday-life elements to it and it's funny and warm and not to mention Alexis Bledel's one of my favourite actresses. On a side note, blue eyes are so......hypnotizing. Sometimes during the show there's scenes where Lorelai and Rory would stare into the camera and I would go "okay! too blue! too blue!" lol. 

So yea, since now with Ugly Betty gone (some months ago), Heroes gone (cancelled according to Wikipedia), soon my favouritest Desperate Housewives (LAST SEASON T_T), I'm catching up with Gilmore Girls! Yay! I actually picked this from One Tree Hill (too dramatic as in relationships-messy), Friends (too long), Big Bang Theory (not really nice imo, or maybe cuz it's a sitcom), Charmed (way past magicky thingy, unless I'm totally bored), etc etc. Oh, there's something about sitcoms, I just don't like it, I don't really know why, maybe it's because I find it a bit annoying that the whole point about sitcoms are the jokes but not the story, and I kinda find that meaningless. I mean, it's nice to laugh but I feel totally fake watching shows just to laugh. It's unhealthy in a way. I dunno. 

Ok, enough bout Gilmore Girls. Back to my very boring life. Again, finals in a month. And I still have 3 major stuff to do so why am I still blogging here is a mystery to me. Oh oh oh!! One thing why I like GG is that Season 1 Rory's situation is sooooo much like me! Ie. She wanted to explore the world, go to a lot of countries and write about it. I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. In fact sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I want to go to a sea and shout over and over again "I WANT TO DISCOVER THE WORLD!!!!!!! I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!! I WANT TO SEE DIFFERENT THINGS AND ABSORB DIFFERENT CULTURES AND DO DIFFERENT ACTIVITIES AND MEET DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!!" *exhales* It's driving me nuts, I know. I really can't wait for my time to see the world. I couldn't anymore. Some girls at my age has the same level of yearning, but to get married. But oh hell no not me, I will NOT settle down until I've seen something out there. 

Which is why I have to graduate asap and find some way to realise my dreams. Sigh. I really must stop singing the same old song over and over again. 

Hmm, there's one more thing I wanna blog about but forgot. I never believe what they say about your memory is unlimited or whatever it is. Because my short-term memory's so limited that if I don't write down like IMMEDIATELY it'll be gone faster than bubbles break. Sometimes I wish there's this automatic record thingy in my brain that records every thought of mine. Ok that sounds creepy. But how else you could do it when you're brushing your teeth or in the toilet or whatever? That's when your mouth can't talk or your hands are fully occupied!

Anyway, if I remember I'll update this. Which is highly unlikely. So kthxbye. 

Yvonne..

Waiting

I don't mind waiting for a day,

I don't mind waiting for a few days, 

I don't mind waiting for weeks, 

I don't mind waiting for few months, 

As long as our eyes meet and you smile and say "Hi" to me, 

it's worth it. 

It doesn't matter that that's all you do, 

it doesn't matter that my heart opens up like a flower or whatever, 

it doesn't matter that I'm risking heart failure from palpitations, 

As long as our eyes meet and stay there for even a brief 2-seconds, 

it's so worth it. 

Urgh. I hate myself for being so sticky in this crush. But I can't help myself :) 

I'll just have to hope this crush will recede like any other ones and nothing will happen and I'll be my normal self again. Yup, that's the plan. Always. 

Yvonne..

Premonition?

I talked about him twice, both in real life and as you can see on the previous post, perhaps right before he breathed his last few breaths. 

May you rest in peace Steve Jobs, for you will always be one of my most admired people in the world. 

Tired. Gonna rest soon. 

Yvonne..

Few Things Off My Mind

Hans Zimmer makes the BEST movie music EVER. 

Next, I just watched It's Complicated and it's nice, albeit uber-gross, and I have no idea how could Jane built up that kind of life it's just so incredible and I would die without regrets (as of now) to be able to achieve half the things she did (not the whole messy relationship thing, I meant the career, the kids, the house, the shop, the ability to whip up delicious pastries just like *finger-snap*, the happy mentality, etc etc.)

I just realised that Twitter and Blogger are mutually-exclusive when it comes to my venting spurts. It's either I'm active on Twitter, OR Blogger. Never AND. 

And one last random thing, I admire Steve Jobs but I still hate dislike Apple. :)

Tim Cook may be skinny but still, he's not Steve. 

Why did I feel kinda weird and wrong saying that? 

Anyway moving on, I'm done. :)

Yvonne..

Estranged

From myself. I don't know me anymore. 

Despite the fact that I know completely why did that happen, I do nothing to stop it. 

It feels like a ticking bomb, the only thing is you'll be wondering when will it go off. 

And I'm curious as to how far can I go knowing it will tick off any moment yet doing nothing about it. 

How, did I come to this point again? 

Let me ask you something, do you eat to live? Or you live to eat? 

If you're a foodie, I bet you'd go "Of course I live to eat!!" then you'll laugh jokingly and everyone will smile or laugh along to be polite. 

Then somewhere in your sub-conscious you'd be thinking, "well of course the responsible answer would be 'eat to live'..."

Think again. 

If everything you do is just for the sake of living, then what's the point of living? 

Passion or obsession is a thing everyone must have in life. Otherwise, I really don't see the point. 

Having said that, maybe I should shoot myself right now? I read that people sometimes stop midtrack in their life and think "what the hell am I doing now?" and sometimes I wonder about that too but I always have answers prepared for that. 

Sometimes I wish I don't instead. 

Yvonne..

In need of a break.

No, not the 15 minutes kind. I need a big break. Something like a 3 months to a year. I know to some of you it sounds funny, but I long to go on a self-searching trip. I yearn for it. I want to find back my old self. But at the same time I want to retain some parts of my current self...sigh, it's hard to be me. 

If there's only one thing I can say about my tertiary education, I would say this, "It burned me out and I have no positive scholar-related memories in there." Yeah, that's coming from a person who always score flying colours in every exams or tests in her primary and secondary education. Now, the same song couldn't be sung. Call me weak but after all this, I will NEVER come back to the same field to further my studies. People say your college or uni years are supposed to be fun, but for me it's plain torture and almost meaningless, if it weren't for meeting people and making good friends and exploring things with them. 

I think maybe I should talk to someone about this. These days the line "If I keep doing this I'll die very soon" keep popping into my head, consciously or unconsciously. It's saying something. Either I'm very exhausted or I really am going to die very soon. 

Yvonne..

JLPT N5: 180/180

I can't say "I couldn't believe it", mostly because the test was kinda too-easy for me, although, I could see myself making a few careless mistakes, and besides, I checked my answers after the test and so far most of my answers were correct so...I guess I could believe it after all :)

Still, I'm so... happy. 

I always scored a few marks below 100 during my internal tests, probably because of the writing element which was absent in the JLPT (don't think I'll score full marks if that's the case). But I'm really quite satisfied this time. 

Hmm, I wonder how many people scored full marks for this exam? Hopefully not much... ...? Heh. 

And I kinda hope they'll give out some sort of award. A scholarship to study in Japan (Ha I wish!)..or something like...an all-expense paid trip to Japan? That would be so awesomely nice wouldn't it? 

But N5's so easy that I'd be lucky if I even get a furoshiki out of scoring full marks for it =.=

I posted on my social network saying,

'My Japanese Language Proficiency Test N5 came back with marks 180 out of 180. Needless to say, I'm elated because I thought I would have at least one or two answers wrong. On the other hand, it makes me a tiny weeny bit sad, although irrational, because I was thinking, "sigh, if only my studies can score this high..."

Life can be so difficult when your future occupation do not match your passion.'

Well...it's true. But, for now, I'll gloat all I want first :D

I'm so sad that I have to stop studying Japanese to focus on my studies for the last semester at college. But I swear I'll resume Japanese classes as soon as I graduate, nothing can stop me...Oh, my dear Japanese.

Yvonne..

Favourite Quotes

Just realised I haven't make a post of my most favourite quotes here. I believe that a person's favourite quotes somewhat reflect part of, if not all, of that person's inner thoughts. It either shapes or be shaped by the person's views and perspectives, so in a sense it's bidirectional. You don't like a quote which says "Chocolates are the only food from heaven" (for eg.) if you can't bring yourself to even taste the revolting brown goo (I can't believe I just said that about chocolates, what is wrong with me?). Anyway, here goes: 

You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; 

You can swear and curse the fates;

But when it comes to the end, you have to let go. 

~ Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

~ Mark Twain. 

My shield depends upon God, who saves the upright in heart. 

~ Psalm 7:10.


"Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim.”
[“Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.”]

~ Joyce Conway, Thanks for the Memories. 

An idea is like a virus, resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you. 

~ Cobb, Inception.

Time is too slow for those who wait, 

time is too swift for those who fear, 

time is too long for those who grieve, 

but for those who love, those who are loved, 

time is eternity. 

~ Henry van Dyke. 

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want; He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.

~ Psalm 23. 

"ああ... 俺は... 世界を殺し... 世界を創る..."

["Ahh... I... kill the world... create the world..."]

~ ルルーシュ・ランペルージ, コードギアス .

[~ Lelouch Lamperouge, Code Geass.]

All you can do is enjoy this beautiful day, because we get so few of it.

~ Mary Alice Young, Desperate Housewives. 

Life is much too important to be taken seriously.

~ Oscar Wilde. 

"If you love something let it go, 

If it comes back to you it's yours, 

If it doesn't, it never was."

"Imperfections are what makes the world perfect."

The flow of time cleanses the past and heals the wounds in people's hearts.

~ Komatsu Nana, NANA. 

So, have we solved the secret of happiness?

"I believe so," he said. 

Are you going to tell me? 

"Yes. Ready?" 

Ready. 

"Be satisfied." 

That's it? 

"Be grateful." 

That's it? 

"For what you have. For the love you receive. And for what God has given you." 

That's it? 

He looked me in the eye. Then he sighed deeply. 

"That's it." 

~ Mitch Albom, Have a Little Faith. 

Girls flirt with the dangerous guy, Logan. They don't take him home. They marry the good guy. 

~ Jean Grey, X2. 

Never place your happiness in other's hand no matter how much you love them, and be happy just by being you.

~ A friend, I believe. 

To be updated, when there's more. 

Yvonne..

Updated on September 13, 2011. 

Near-faint Experience

That's as close to being actually fainted to the floor as I can get. 

That's right, I've never fainted before. But being a budding full-blown mysophobia (aka germophobia) I think I'll prefer that I never had to faint in my entire life thank you. 

It happened yesterday's noon, after my shower which I've stopped my research paper mania to take, while I was in the washroom beside my bedroom. I was vomiting. But nothing physical except gastric acid, which was greenish yellow in colour, the liquid which burned through my throat and nose canal, now that's acid for you. 

After so long since I've blogged, you never expect me to post a new one on vomiting, eh? *silent snickers*

Anyway, it happened so suddenly, so unexpected, because prior to the shower, I felt just fine. No sign of any discomfort except for the occasional coughs and super runny nose. 

Then it all changed in minutes. Funny how life can change in such a short period of time. You'd think that you have been doing something or being somewhere or seeing something or being with someone FOREVER, and then snap! Your whole life changed in just that one second or whatever. 

Oh, Time. You cruel surprise-lover. 

Back to the topic, I couldn't really identify the actual cause of my unexpected blip. Because I was really dishevelled trying to complete my paper on time (and I'm still doing that), skipping meals, skipping showers, skipping brushing my teeth, skipping sleeps, skipping a lot of things. 

Maybe it's the skipping meal thing. But I have skipped meals or took meals at the most unregular hours before (how does a dinner at 4a.m. sounds to you?) so why this time??? My body trying to tell me that I'm getting old? (I'm not quite that old yet, mind you.)

Anyway, moral of the lesson: 

Don't torture yourself 

skipping your needs 

trying to complete something 

that you can always try again. 

And I mean it. Because you will never know what are you sacrificing in order to finish something that you can always try again. Your health. Your unborn baby. Your close family member. Your cherished thing that seemed to be around forever until you realise that it is not so permanent after all. 

Always, always, take care of yourself. As the chinese saying goes, it equates to filial piety to your parents. 

Provided that you have parents who cares about you. Forget about cold-blooded beasts who don't give a sh*t about their offsprings. 

So that's that. Until next time, 

Yvonne..

Future

Before everything, I just wanna say that I'm surprised that this is my second post in this blog since 2011. 

What do you have in mind for your future? 

I must admit, when I was young I was a fella who seldom think about the far-future. I just focus on my short-term future, and achieve goals and targets as I move along. In turn, I became someone who was very driven-minded, always doing things that can only be beneficial to my short-term future, without a care for anything else in the world. I was also someone who was very unforgiving when it comes to my faults, someone who cannot take losing very well, I can't be the loser, I must win. 

At some point in my life this perception began to lose its importance in my life. I became much more relaxed, less obsessed about winning and losing, and take things as it is as it goes along, my focuses were completely blurred, and I lost even the short-term future and goals. I'm not saying it's bad, in fact I think it's kinda good, because I realized how much stress I'm used to under, it's quite scary. But at the same time, it alarms me as I think I might be going from one extreme to another extreme ie. from super-hardworking to super-lazy. Lol. 

But lately a far-future idea begins to form in my head. It seems like a very far-fetched dream. But I am already taking actions to achieve it. It seems like a very hard dream. But I am willing to give up certain things in my life for it. It seems like I am abandoning some of my responsibilities if I can have this dream. But I am ready to believe that certain rules have to be disobeyed and rebelled against if I can ever, ever, live for myself. In fact if I'm given the indication and opportunity now, I'm can take off anytime. But I know, the more patient I am, the longer I'm willing to wait, the fruit will be sweeter. 

What does future mean to you? 

Lately I had some chats with friends and acquaintances. I'm very astonished to learn that a friend of mine has already thought of as far as what-to-dos after his retirement. I haven't even thought of anything after 10 years. Which lead to a very important question to me: Should I even begin to start thinking about it? Because as far as I'm willing to bet, it's useless thinking about it now as you will never be able to predict the future. Sure, it'd be nice to have dreams but too-optimistic dreams will only destroy a person in the future. But of course it depends on every individual. 

For all we know planet Earth might even explode in 2012 (chuckles). 

Since we're at the topic, I might as well express my views. 2012. Hands up for those who deeply believe in it? Well, I don't. I don't believe in that crap at all. But, I won't go so far as to eliminate completely its possibility. And anyway, even if it's coming I don't really mind, we all will die eventually. So? So nothing. That's that. 

Where was I? Ah. One more thing, I think I'm better off not thinking too far into the future. Because I will be frustrated and demotivated even before it arrives. Yes I am that impatient. If I have to wait for something I'd rather not knowing it now, because it will possess my mind so much that all I could do is THINK about it all day. Now I hate this part of personality of mine. It's just irrational. Yet I can't do anything about it. I blame it on my genes. 

Sometimes I wish my life is a movie. Like literally. That way, I can somehow take a sneak peek into my future. Then I will have some idea as to what I should start doing now. Or if I should stop some things I'm doing now. Dang. I'm being impatient again. 

Dear God, let me take a sneak peek into my future, say, 15 years from now, in my dream tonight :) :)

Yvonne..

Float and Gone

My thoughts. It's so hard to grasp them and hold them still, they're like slippery fishes, escaping my mind the moment I have them in my mind. It's frustrating. Especially when I'm trying to catch it all back together and put them into words in this rare post on my blog. 

Maybe I should like, buy a dictaphone or something. But I have a feeling that won't work too because I can be quite certain that I won't bring my dictaphone everywhere, same as I don't hold on to my mobile every single second. I'm very unattached to modern technology that way. And no, I'm not that old. 

Anyway, might I mention the little fact that I turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. 

About that, near to end of last year I've been thinking what to do about it and I was having all sorts of ideas in my mind, a grand birthday party, with all my family and friends invited, book a restaurant or whatever, will be the norm. But as I got closer to my birthday I realized that, I just don't really know how to deal with it. As a "nomad" or "socialized loner", I have friends in all places who don't know each other. How can I have a huge birthday party where everyone feels kinda awkward and don't really talk to each other? That's so not my style. I'd rather spend quality time with each and everyone of them, instead of running all over the place while not giving everyone the attention they deserved in coming over to celebrate my birthday. In the end, my family celebrated it, in the way they wanted, for me. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that they took the effort to do so, but if they really insisted in getting me what I really really wanted, I think I will be much happier. As for my friends, some of them wished, some took me out for meals, some gave me presents, and I'm truly, truly happy of their thoughts for me, at some point I'm touched by the gesture, thank you :)

By that, my 21st birthday came and went, gone like the wind. 

I met a girl the other day while shopping and we got into talking fpr a while, standing right there, in that store, while me still holding the product I'm contemplating whether to buy or not. The girl is 18 years old, she's working part time at the store, and she asked me how old I am in the midst of chat, and I answered "21", she exclaimed, "that's my ideal age!". I honestly told her it's really nothing to write home about, for me at least, because 21 would mean more responsibility, more maturity, more confusing thoughts, more wavering confidence, more complicated relationships, more lost directions, more ironic reality, growing up is not really all that fun, true, there may be freedom, and so-called "legal age to do anything", but when it comes right down to it, for me, 21 is definitely not the legal age to do anything. Family will be the first thing that you have to consider when you're taking a huge step and what's the point of being independent and "freedom" when decisions are bounded in such a small circle? 

If I could spit at something that I could blame, I would. 21, freedom, spit. 

Ever know what is the most frustrating and angered feeling in the world? 

It's the fact that you're powerless to do anything when you desperately needed change, that you want, in your life. 

Anyway. Lately I've been reading countless news of suicide attempts, mostly resulted in death. 

Why do people do not treasure their lives? Why do they like to view their problems as such a big one, while they're just going through a phase, a phase that they will one day get out of, for a brighter tomorrow? Do they not know that as long as you still have a breath in you, anything is possible, anything is CHANGEable? So what if your girlfriend leaves you? So what if your family do not have money? So what if you're feeling so stressed in life? SO??? Yeah right! Big deal! That's why you have to throw yourself off the building? PLEASE. You naive people. Don't piss me off by wasting life God granted to you by such petty reasons, you think you're so high and mighty, that Earth stops its track in its orbit just BECAUSE you have someone left in your life? OH PLEASE! Don't make me laugh! Life goes on! You're the one who lost! Not anyone but yes you yourself! Have some fighting spirit! And please, even if you're so arrogant that you think you can kill yourself so easily, DO NOT, drag anyone else with you to your deaths, especially your kids. It just disgusts me, as if we don't know you're so coward that you had to drag someone just for the sake that you're not alone. You just earned yourself a big ticket to hell. 

Do you really think life is EASY? Whoever said life ever is easy??? No one, and I really mean no one, never have obstacles in life. It is going through the obstacles that enriches our experience, adding on to our knowledge, and most importantly, fulfilling the meaning of unique, individual life that no one else but only you have. And bear in mind, the more difficult the obstacle you go through, the wiser you will become. And that's what life is about. That's what being human is about. Taking the short route out is just downright cowardly, it's beyond the limits of stupidity. Have some faith, have some hope. And one day, you will be the winner, the one who's hanging on while functions of your body fails to cope anymore, now, they are who I respect. The elders. Those you see with head of white hair and wobble their way with a cane, DECADES of life behind them, THOUSANDS of lives they've influenced, and now, they're ready to move on to the next realm when the physical body could not sustain anymore. That's why whenever I see the elderly I give my full respect to them. 

I wish I could convey these words to those who was, is, or will commit suicide. But sadly, those whom I really wanted to say these to are gone, taken their own lives. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if most of them are not sound minded when they committed suicide, but at least, I wish that somehow, words will get through to them, or at least they should remember, love and memories that they have stored somewhere in their mind. It is the fuel that we need to go on with life. 

I would write more but I'm terribly sleepy, sometimes I think I'm having some disorder, I can't stop sleeping sometimes. I wonder if one day I will be Asai Eri in After Dark by Haruki Murakami. It sounds like something I just might do one day. 

It's near to 4 now. Signing off, 

Yvonne..