Merry Christmas

It's been a month or more. How are you my dear blog? 

I bet these days when people start blogging they'd do a very common start, something like "Haven't blog for so long/I know I've been abandoning my blog/Sorry that I didn't post in a long time/etc.". Because blogging, I guess for most people in my environment now, is sort of watering down. Maybe it's because of Twitter, maybe it's because people are getting more busy, maybe it's because of Facebook, or maybe, people just got tired of it. 

But dear blog, I want you to know that, there are times, all too many a times, that when I want to blog so badly and the circumstances just don't allow me to do it. Time, mostly. 

Sometimes I want to blog right smack when I'm in the middle of a class, sometimes I want to blog when I'm lying in the bed, sometimes I want to blog when I'm driving, most times, I want to blog when I'm not readily accessible to a connected computer. And then afterwards, the inspiration and the mood's just gone. Like that. 

I want you to know that you're not forgotten. 

Seeing that it's Christmas --- 

What do you wish for the most, at this moment, the first thing that comes to your mind?

To become successful? To become rich? To become pretty? To find that special someone? To be proposed? To become famous? To have all the popularity in the world? A bag? A car? A sparkle of hope? A watch? A stuffed toy? 

I wish, to be living in a small cottage, tucked away in some unknown countryside, with some plots of lands for growing crops, a quaint, quiet, just me alone, or perhaps with a Golden Retriever (that dog never fails to be a part of my dream does it?), walls of books, my favourite books, cozy armchair, warm fire, meatloaf, brown walls, knowing only my neighbours and my family and perhaps a few friends, and that's it. That's it then I'll be satisfied. 

It sounds like someone else's retirement dream. It sounds very unambitious. But yes. I hate complicated life. I demand simplicity. There are lots of times I wish that I do not know a lot of things, like things happened between people, especially. I'd rather not know. It sounds very evasive, naive, childish, unrealistic, like some ostrich. But heck, I'm living for myself, if I do not want to know things I don't need to know, since it doesn't matter to me anyway except to disturb my clarity of mind, then I do not have to know. It sounds irresponsible, irrational, completely stupid. But when it comes to the end, don't you still have to let go? 

If you've became successful, rich, pretty, found that special someone,  be proposed, became famous, had all the popularity in the world, don't you, in the end, when Grim Reaper makes its way to you, still, have to let go?

We come to this world with nothing, so shall we leave this world with nothing. The more we have, the more painful it is to leave what we have isn't it? The feeling of achieving, gaining those may be overwhelmingly delightful but I believe, losing them would bring pains of equal magnitude. 

Merry Christmas, may all joys and happiness find those who need it in this world. 

Yvonne..

時の向こう 風の街へ ねえ、連れて行って

Deep rich vocal. A very beautiful song. 

風の街へ (Kaze no Machi he)

by FictionJunction KEIKO

時の向こう　風の街へ ねえ、連れて行って

Take me away across time to the town of wind

白い花の夢かなえて

Grant my dream of the white flowers

甘い指でこの手をとり ねえ、遠い道を

Take me by this hand with your gentle fingers, to a far-away place

導いて欲しいの 貴方の側へ

I want you to guide me, to be by your side

その歌声絶えない昼下がり

On this afternoon, though their voices is neverending

目覚めて二人は一つになり

Two lovers awake to become one

幸せの意味を初めて知るのでしょう

For the first time, they learn the meaning of happiness

連れて行って…

Take me away...

その歌声切なく高らかに

With a painful, echoing voice,

全ての心に響くのでしょう

They sing out with all of their hearts

幸せの意味を知らずに眠る夜に...

Without knowing the meaning of happiness, sleeping in the darkness...

まだ知らない夢の向こう ねえ、遠い道を

Take me to a dream I've never seen before, far away

二人で行けるわ… 風の街へ 

We'll go together... to the town of wind.

***

Lyric so simple yet it's tasteful. First heard it in Tsubasa Chronicle Season 1. It's an insert song. 

Yvonne..

Judgement Day

There is a belief which goes around saying when people die, they will face the Judgement Day, where God will evaluate your life and thus judge upon where will you go afterwards. 

But really, what should be the criterion for Judgement Day when someone dies? 

Should it be achievements? Or the number of lives saved? Or influences? Or the way him or her fulfilled life? If so, what is the definition of "fulfilling"? 

Each of us are born equal, however, brought-ups are quite important in influencing how will a person act later in life. It is possible to change that magnitude of influence and if you did, you could be one of the few people in this world who managed to do so. So naturally I guess, when you have good brought-ups you tend to be living life on the positive side, and vice versa. 

Being an introvert I'm not only people-repelling but I'm also quite eccentric. Not to mention lately I'm beginning to do things at my own pace and I'm beginning to wonder what on earth has got to me and although consciously I'm telling myself something has got to change before I hit something really hard but somehow I just keep going at it. But there's one thing I won't stop doing, that is to question, to think, criticize, and to decide my standing on the matter. 

Back to the topic. When Judgement Day comes to me, I have no idea what of me will be judged. My achievements are nil, number of lives saved nil, influences I have no idea, but probably not that great since I'm a pretty on-the-fence kinda person, and fulfilled life? Not much either since like I said, I do things my own way, at my own pace, in my own accordance, whenever I can help it. It's kinda sad and I wonder will God be really having a hard time trying to place me, or hey, will I be wandering on this earth like how Meg in Eoin Colfer's "The Wish List", until I do something which can decide where shall I go? 

Not that I'm regretting that my life isn't much of a sparkling and glittery one. I'm just being myself, living a life which I'm contented to be living. Is that wrong? 

Yvonne..

Oh...shit

Sorry for the cursing, especially when I haven't been updating my blog for a considerably long period of time. 

Anyway, I think I just might have seriously fall for someone. 

If not I really cannot explain how, after so long since I've felt something like this, my heart actually got pierced by this weird flying feeling, when I saw this fella. You know, the kind of feeling you do when you're in a free-fall, like, in a really scary roller coaster or something? Yeah, that kind. 

And no, I wasn't playing roller coaster that time, I was just simply walking. 

And besides, I THOUGHT he already LEFT!!! WTF is he doing there when I thought my chances of encountering him is already NIL for the day? 

No, God just loves playing pranks with me. Keep on letting me bumping into him when I LEAST expect it, and have all kinds of coincidence I could never think of, such as getting a pair of matching cards in a stupid fate game, or wearing the same kind of stupid white shirt like today (you know, the kind of shirt where it says "I Love xxxxxx"), or liking the same stupid movies, or the way we smile slightly to each other and says "hi" STUPIDLY and not knowing what to do afterwards except to be dragged by our other friends, never letting ourselves to properly chat together. 

There, I've said it. 

Dear God, please let me know what is it that You intend to let this be? 

Why did You let us meet, but no chance to talk to each other?

Why did You let us be in a room, but no chance of being together?

Why did You let us know each other, but no chance of knowing deeper? 

Anyway, those are just my very spontaneous thoughts of the moment. I'd probably find that fella very boring the next day. 

Maybe. 

I mean, people change, right?? 

So I'll just sit and wait and let this blows over and I'll forget about this one like all the rest and have my peaceful days again. 

And besides, love is so overrated. Pfft. 

Yvonne..

P.S. I wonder if I'll be in the same class as him again next sem?

Dear Kissaten,

I have a lot of things to do, so many that my eyes are flying here and there over the computer screen but I want to blog right now, to let you know what I've been doing these days, my recent developments (as if I'm some sort of drama or soaps), and what I'm thinking right NOW. 

First of all, if you guys have been following my tweets, I passed my finals last semester, with some very dangerous near-miss marks, and I'm not revealing the actual marks, but to me, it is pretty darn close that I'm quite spooked out. My fingers were trembling before I checked the results, yes trembling, and I actually closed my eyes until my heart is ready to accept whatever results that is presented before me. After analyzing my results I actually closed my eyes again and thanked God that he showed his mercy on me. 

Few days later, I attended a social gathering event organized by college, at which I encountered a pleasant surprise, which as a result I posted the previous post, it is actually a game that we have to play in that event, where the guy will be holding a riddle, and the girl holding the answer. The riddle and answer are repetitive among the crowd so really it's not all that special, but still I'm really amazed that things can be so freaky when you least expect it. Anyway, it's exciting at that moment at that timing but now it's all over and I'm much more rational now. 

Some time later, again my lovely college had another lovely test for us, and I totally sensed that I'm going to flunk that too anyway so let's not dwell much on that. 

On a side note, I've completed my Japanese Beginner 1 Level with Grade A certificate!!! I'm super proud and if you ever mention anything about it in my face I will wave the certificate in front of you in a very egoistic way and not even embarrassed by it because it is a language which I LOVE with all my heart and therefore, it is only natural that I'm so proud of it heehee. It is CONFIRMED that I'll proceed to the next level, see you my Japanese classmates next week!

Now I'm having a one week plus break which I feel is really short but it's actually really long in terms of our syllabus time because, usually our break's just a day or two, NEVER a week plus. It felt really short to me because of the tonnes of homework our lecturers assigned, and I too have some personal duties to attend to, not to mention some individual non-college related projects, AND on top of that I need to squeeze in some social activities because right now I'm like some kind of robot craving for human contact (I just finished re-reading Tuesdays with Morrie so please excuse my unusual craving which is totally different from the anti-social behaviour I usually have, because I'm now affected by Morrie's warmth and closeness to people and all that stuff). 

If you've read until here, congratulations, you're really a very patient person and therefore now I shall reward you with some discovery of mine. Have you ever fallen out of love before? Not puppy love, not one-sided love, not all those other love, but really, really fallen out of love? I think for the first time in my life, or maybe the second time, I'm not sure, since it's hard to define this kind of thing, I've fallen out of love, with a certain someone whom I still care for and wonder about, but I just felt detached. It's rather hard to put the feeling into exact words but I think I'm quite certain what it is. I know it the moment I no longer felt that heart-burning jealousy whenever I see something sensitive, or no longer felt that heart-wrenching pain whenever I feel down. In other words I felt liberation, a break-free from tight grasp, a sense of individuality coming back to me, where my emotions and feelings no longer depend on a certain someone, where my happiness and sadness is now up for me to decide. 

I'm glad to say that I'm single again. Not the status-kind of single, but the psychological-kind of single. Yes, I've done it. Someone please give me a graduation certificate. 

So now here I am, back to square one, enjoying my single life, and not willing to be put through the pressure and stress of being in a relationship again in near future. Uh, uh, no way. Not even that cute guy which I find rather interesting to observe. Now what I'm gonna do is to have fun. Mwahahaahaaaa *evil laugh pierces through the night*. 

That's it for now, signing off, 

Yvonne..

Silence

What is so fragile that even saying its name can break it?

Yvonne..

It happened in such an unexpected way. 

Irony in Play

From my perspective, life is always filled with irony. 

Maybe it's my cynical way of looking at community in general, always scrutinizing, examining and criticizing, it's always hard to believe that something is truly benevolent. 

Speaking of benevolent, the closest thing I could identify to be such is a Mother's love for her child. Even so, the other day I've just heard some news where a mother killed a number of her own infants right after she gave birth to them. In her own house. Due to her stout build, the terrifying thing is that no one notices anything at all. The reason she gave for her actions were that the babies are not wanted by she and her husband. 

I don't know which is more ridiculous, the fact that she never considered using birth controls, or the fact that she actually killed her own babies with a sound mind. Perhaps the latter. 

It's funny if one were to take a step back and view humans in general. I'd be happy to be an alien, separated from unnecessary emotions and hormones and study the most powerful population of the animal kingdom on earth. It'd be like watching dramas, comedy, action, romance altogether, like a movie. But I bet my primary focus is to view it as a comedy. So many things that humans do that makes sense but at the same time do not. Even the most respected beings, their reputation is questionable to me, as I could not be convinced simply by a person doing the right thing, at the right time, at the most appropriate timing. 

Although, rooms must be make for us as we are slave to emotions and feelings. Irony or not, sometimes the decision-maker himself do not realize that he is contradicting his own principles. The point is that it feels right. And thus, irony is created. 

Sometimes I really wonder if we're the Barbie dolls of higher-beings. 

Yvonne..

Reckless

The other day I was involved in a car accident. 

It was at night, but I thought of using a road which I seldom use but I think I know how to use to get home. Unfamiliar to the road, I tried to do a last minute turn onto a ramp and hit another car coming on. It was definitely my fault and I wondered how the heck I got so idiotic and lost all my rational thinking ability at that very precise moment. It could get very worse off if I lost control and hadn't hit on the brake immediately as soon as I've come to my senses. I regretted over it tremendously, even if nobody was hurt and the damages do not look all that serious (dents, scratches, and so on). Somehow, I felt like a part of me changed too. The way you view things, how a split-second decision could change your life completely, the way you deal with life, and so on. 

I used to watch/listen/read all those "Be careful on the road" stories. I took note of it, but didn't really take it all that seriously. Now, after a very hands-on experience, I can only be grateful that I was really lucky at that time, ie, no one was hurt. But I can't help thinking what if I didn't have that chance to be lucky?...

...

...

...

I could be seriously injured, or even die;

The family on the other car (parents and a child) could have gotten even worse.

It's really a terrifying set of what-ifs. In my case I'm more terrified of anything happens to that other car rather than myself. I don't think I can live with such guilt. 

For me, that was a really major accident. It was the worst accident I've ever encountered. And I pray, dear God, please let it be the last serious accident that I ever encounter. 

Once again, be very careful on the road, because,

you will never know how bad it could get. 

Yvonne..

Mission Statement

For CF2010: 

• Hunt for GOOD anime wall scrolls, if possible bag a few home. 
• Get ALL merchandise stores' name card, phone number and address, so that in the future, I wouldn't have to wait another year to get stuffs. 
• Explore every possible corners, do NOT miss out gachapons (capsule toys ftw) like last year's CF. 
• Meet up with friends who cosplay, not look at their photos after the event and wondered why on earth I never recognize them at first when I saw them (this means that they've put up some pretty good cosplay!!)
• Stay there until events end. 

Gosh. If only I have that kind of mission statement for my studies instead =.=

Yvonne..

It's already

AUGUST. 

2010. 

Have you ever have that experience, where you suddenly realize, as if all this while you're in a dream, and now, only now, you realize that it's already a few years after? 

If you have not, Congratulations, you've been living a very fulfilled life all this while, keep it going, and stop reading into this post. 

If you have, then maybe I can safely conclude that we're on the same boat. 

A boat where all dreams and futures are dead. 

A boat where visions are crushed, minds are darkened, and hopes are no longer alive. 

A boat where people like us, the dejected, never look beyond the future to feel the thrill of shimmering success, the excitement of realized goals, the shivers of possible happy-ever-afters. 

A place where views of the world is twisted, anything but optimistic, nothing of childish, but of cruelty and how ugly people in this world can ever be. 

A place where you've resorted to living just to pass the day, as if a corpse, to continue life, like all other people, to fulfill your duty as a human on this earth, as normally as possible, without breaking the chain, or customs, or whatever it is called, just for the sake of living. 

This is when you start living life without meaning to, and once in a blue moon it zaps you back, sometimes when looking at the calendar, sometimes when someone asks you what day is it, or sometimes when a relative reminds you to attend this function which is on some date, that hey, time passes even when you aren't feeling anything, time passes even when your world is without colors. 

"If you wish, shall I take you away? 

To a place in this city where 
wishes come true." 

~ Furukawa Nagisa, Clannad

Yvonne..

Giving

No one gets her a gift even though last week she hinted it to us --- except me. 

And I'm so very very glad that I did. Otherwise: how very sad!!!

It's one thing that no one gets you any gift because you never mention it, but it's really a heart-breaking thing to hint to the WHOLE CLASS, but no one gets you any gift. Which is why I never mention the coming of my birthdays to anyone, because in the event that if really, everyone forgets about it, at least I can console myself by telling my pathetic self: "oh don't worry, it's just that they don't know, that's all" which is all a lie, but really, it makes you feel better, even if you know it's a lie. 

Of course that's just IF. Therefore, I truly, from the bottom of my heart, am very grateful, to all my friends, who never forget to sms me at midnight, or drop me a wish anywhere, anytime, on each of my birthdays. 

By the way, I was talking about my Japanese teacher, whose birthday is on next Monday. 

I got her a photo frame, which I think, is never too many for anyone. I thought of getting her a bar of chocolate but I was afraid that she might be on a diet or is cocoa-intolerant or something (um yeah I derived that from the phrase lactose-intolerant). And besides, she might put the photo of us and her into that very frame. Later. When we do actually get around to take a photo. Who knows. 

It's a black frame, with swirly white flowers around the border and is made of glass. I kinda hope she likes black cuz she wears a black jacket to our EVERY single class. So I think she might like black. 

She looked really surprised and happy for my gift. And I'm almost as equally as elated as her. Recently I learned that:

Giving, is a good thing.

Not just from this event, but from things that happened lately. And that's a story, for another day :)

Yvonne..

Suki

You're always at the corner of my eyes, 

you're always on my mind, 

you're always the one I'd apply "What-if?"s to, 

you're hot, in my eyes, 

it's been some time since I start liking someone,

but I think this time, I'd like to like you longer, 

longer, 

longer, 

and I would never look at you directly, 

inquisitively, 
curiously,

or even flirtatiously, 

for fear that if there might be a girl, even remotely close to you;

for fear that if my gaze linger on you too long, you might notice;

for fear that if I ever had the nerves to talk to you, all the bubbles might break; 

for fear that if I ever had the words out of my mouth, the tension is over;

why can't I say the right things, like all other smooth operators, 

why can't I do the right things, and stop worrying what might happen, 

why can't I just react right, when you came so close behind me, 

that my heart almost-literally jumped out as I realized: 

you were there all the time without making a sound???

why do you have to dress in a way that it seems like only I find it hot?

why do you have to be such a geek that it seems like only I find it cute?

why do you have to look so... argh! 

and worst of all, why in the world that I sometimes found you staring at me??????

was that just me?

I think so. I dare not tell myself otherwise. 

It's been three times that we've talked, 

it's been two times that I've caught you looking at me, 

it's been damnit-how-many-times you're so near but we never talk? 

"I like you!" If only I could say that without fearing the consequences. 

I like liking someone. I also hate liking someone. 
Life is such a fantastic irony. 

Yvonne..