My thoughts. It's so hard to grasp them and hold them still, they're like slippery fishes, escaping my mind the moment I have them in my mind. It's frustrating. Especially when I'm trying to catch it all back together and put them into words in this rare post on my blog.
Maybe I should like, buy a dictaphone or something. But I have a feeling that won't work too because I can be quite certain that I won't bring my dictaphone everywhere, same as I don't hold on to my mobile every single second. I'm very unattached to modern technology that way. And no, I'm not that old.
Anyway, might I mention the little fact that I turned 21 a couple of weeks ago.
About that, near to end of last year I've been thinking what to do about it and I was having all sorts of ideas in my mind, a grand birthday party, with all my family and friends invited, book a restaurant or whatever, will be the norm. But as I got closer to my birthday I realized that, I just don't really know how to deal with it. As a "nomad" or "socialized loner", I have friends in all places who don't know each other. How can I have a huge birthday party where everyone feels kinda awkward and don't really talk to each other? That's so not my style. I'd rather spend quality time with each and everyone of them, instead of running all over the place while not giving everyone the attention they deserved in coming over to celebrate my birthday. In the end, my family celebrated it, in the way they wanted, for me. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate that they took the effort to do so, but if they really insisted in getting me what I really really wanted, I think I will be much happier. As for my friends, some of them wished, some took me out for meals, some gave me presents, and I'm truly, truly happy of their thoughts for me, at some point I'm touched by the gesture, thank you :)
By that, my 21st birthday came and went, gone like the wind.
I met a girl the other day while shopping and we got into talking fpr a while, standing right there, in that store, while me still holding the product I'm contemplating whether to buy or not. The girl is 18 years old, she's working part time at the store, and she asked me how old I am in the midst of chat, and I answered "21", she exclaimed, "that's my ideal age!". I honestly told her it's really nothing to write home about, for me at least, because 21 would mean more responsibility, more maturity, more confusing thoughts, more wavering confidence, more complicated relationships, more lost directions, more ironic reality, growing up is not really all that fun, true, there may be freedom, and so-called "legal age to do anything", but when it comes right down to it, for me, 21 is definitely not the legal age to do anything. Family will be the first thing that you have to consider when you're taking a huge step and what's the point of being independent and "freedom" when decisions are bounded in such a small circle?
If I could spit at something that I could blame, I would. 21, freedom, spit.
Ever know what is the most frustrating and angered feeling in the world?
It's the fact that you're powerless to do anything when you desperately needed change, that you want, in your life.
Anyway. Lately I've been reading countless news of suicide attempts, mostly resulted in death.
Why do people do not treasure their lives? Why do they like to view their problems as such a big one, while they're just going through a phase, a phase that they will one day get out of, for a brighter tomorrow? Do they not know that as long as you still have a breath in you, anything is possible, anything is CHANGEable? So what if your girlfriend leaves you? So what if your family do not have money? So what if you're feeling so stressed in life? SO??? Yeah right! Big deal! That's why you have to throw yourself off the building? PLEASE. You naive people. Don't piss me off by wasting life God granted to you by such petty reasons, you think you're so high and mighty, that Earth stops its track in its orbit just BECAUSE you have someone left in your life? OH PLEASE! Don't make me laugh! Life goes on! You're the one who lost! Not anyone but yes you yourself! Have some fighting spirit! And please, even if you're so arrogant that you think you can kill yourself so easily, DO NOT, drag anyone else with you to your deaths, especially your kids. It just disgusts me, as if we don't know you're so coward that you had to drag someone just for the sake that you're not alone. You just earned yourself a big ticket to hell.
Do you really think life is EASY? Whoever said life ever is easy??? No one, and I really mean no one, never have obstacles in life. It is going through the obstacles that enriches our experience, adding on to our knowledge, and most importantly, fulfilling the meaning of unique, individual life that no one else but only you have. And bear in mind, the more difficult the obstacle you go through, the wiser you will become. And that's what life is about. That's what being human is about. Taking the short route out is just downright cowardly, it's beyond the limits of stupidity. Have some faith, have some hope. And one day, you will be the winner, the one who's hanging on while functions of your body fails to cope anymore, now, they are who I respect. The elders. Those you see with head of white hair and wobble their way with a cane, DECADES of life behind them, THOUSANDS of lives they've influenced, and now, they're ready to move on to the next realm when the physical body could not sustain anymore. That's why whenever I see the elderly I give my full respect to them.
I wish I could convey these words to those who was, is, or will commit suicide. But sadly, those whom I really wanted to say these to are gone, taken their own lives. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if most of them are not sound minded when they committed suicide, but at least, I wish that somehow, words will get through to them, or at least they should remember, love and memories that they have stored somewhere in their mind. It is the fuel that we need to go on with life.
I would write more but I'm terribly sleepy, sometimes I think I'm having some disorder, I can't stop sleeping sometimes. I wonder if one day I will be Asai Eri in After Dark by Haruki Murakami. It sounds like something I just might do one day.
It's near to 4 now. Signing off,
Yvonne..
